Friday, November 2, 2012

So I woke with a song in this heart of mine...

And it goes like this, "It's beginning to rain, hear the voice of my Father. He's saying who so ever will, come and drink of My water. He's promised to pour His spirit out on your sons and your daughters. If you're thirsty and dry, look up to the sky. It's beginning to rain."
What makes this different is that I haven't heard this song in some time. It's not one I'm typically drawn to, but none the less, I woke up singing it.
As it replayed in my head, I realized that this may be my God speaking to my heart, whispering His promises to my mind. I knew then that today would be a good day.
Over the last 2 weeks, I have struggled. Emotionally, physically, mentally just not been in a good place. I felt like I was doing a lot of giving and not receiving in all 3 of those areas and it left me drained. I spent many of those days in almost tears because I felt hopeless.
During the last month I heard God give me clear direction in a few areas that I was being called to be obedient in. I learned through the process how selfish a person I really am and when being called to be fully unselfish, I don't handle it well, but I was trying. I knew during this time that God was trying to bring me out of myself so I could become fully immersed in His plan for my life. There were moments of frustration and bitterness, but all the while, knowing I had to do what I was doing. Problem was, I wasn't doing it with the attitude I should have been and that, my friends, was not okay.
Wednesday of this week, everything came to a head. We were notified early last month that our home was deemed to be in a Zone A Flood zone and because of that FEMA was mandating that we obtain flood coverage. Wednesday afternoon I received a call from a friend with our insurance company to tell me that this coverage would be costing us right at $3,000 annually. That was it. I was done. While that alone didn't make me fall apart, it was the straw that broke this camel's back and I lost it.
Sobbing, I called the one person I knew could uplift and love on me in that moment. I felt defeated in every area of my life. My personal life, my business life, my spiritual life. Everything felt like it was just crashing.
Kelly spoke some words that supportive words of love and some were words of honesty that I needed to just go ahead and swallow. I will be 100% honest and tell you that I was questioning God. I was essentially saying to Him, "Listen, you've told me to do these things and I'm doing them and I'm not seeing anything from it! Not only am I not seeing anything, but things are getting worse!" Holy cow! Who did I think I was? Even when I said it, I knew it was wrong, but I didn't care.
Later that evening I had to go to church and teach my Jr. Youth kids. I didn't want to. I was upset, my day was aweful, and I just didn't want to go and have to be 'happy', but I did.
The lesson Wednesday night was on the Israelites and the 12 spies. You see, these were God's children and God had some good stuff in store for them, but because of their unwillingness to wait and trust God, they cheated themselves out of amazing blessings. Some never even getting to experience those blessings and some having to wait many, many years before they even had a glimpse of what it was God had waiting that entire time.
In the middle of the lesson, I smirked to myself realizing that this night, I wasn't there to teach those kids about spies, I was there to teach myself about God's timing, His faithfulness and my unwillingness to fully trust.
After service, we talked to our pastors and asked them to be in prayer about the flood insurance issue with us, that God would intervene. My pastor's wife and friend spoke encouraging words to my heart and on the way home, I decided that I would start preparing my praise report for that issue right then and continue to prepare it until the time came to share it. The rest of the evening was filled with continued battles that left me emotionally lifeless by the end of the night.
Thursday I woke up with a better attitude. I read my verse of the day and it was Luke 11:10-13 "Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This is not a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your little boy asks for a serving of fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? If your little girl asks for an egg, do you trick her with a spider? As bad as you are, you would not think of such a thing—you’re at least decent to your own children. And don’t you think the Father who conceived you in love will give the Holy Spirit when you ask him?”

Yes Lord! I hear you! That was very clear. That was for me in that moment. He's renewal in my Spirit that He was there and He did have a will and He did have a purpose and I had a purpose.
Continuing in praise report preparation, I went through my day trying not to worry and to do the things I knew to do.
Then we get to today. I woke with that song on my heart ready for day and ready for God's purpose.
A couple of hours ago, I got a phone call from our insurance girl Jennifer. I missed it, but quickly sent her a text to see what was up. Oh my goodness! :D What amazing news it was! She did some work (that we are so grateful for) and was able to get our flood insurance coverage dropped from that almost $3,000 to $931 annually! THAT is the kind of God I serve! THAT is my God who is reminding me that HE is in control. THAT is the God who, even in our disobedience, desires to love on us and meet our needs. THAT is MY God!
This may not seem like the miracle to you that it is to me, but that's okay. It's not your miracle. :)
My whole attitude is different now. I'm thankful that God knows I'm weak and loves me despite it. I've apologized and asked for forgiveness and am trying to begin again.
You see, I can't walk in obedience expecting reward. I must walk in obedience in faith that whatever the reason I'm being called to walk, that there is purpose and a great one and that the 'reward' the Father may have for me may not be in the shape or form I'm expecting, but something even greater. While the physical blessing that came from this week was the affect on that insurance, the mental and spiritual blessings were greater. I am renewed and revived and while I'm disappointed in how I acted earlier this week, I'm excited to begin again and work to walk in obedience in what He's called me to do. Excited to drink of that water. Excited to see His Spirit poured out over my soul. Excited to stand in the rain!

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